RipTides

And i cried this morning.
No. Not cried. Sobbed.
Was Sobbed.
Opened, unhinged, that kind of crying
which is snake like,
all mouth swallowing
rebirthing, overtaken
contorted up spasm where
your outside, your shell, your mask
that Surface skin
that
Border that holds our contents
(our Guts from spilling
all over the proverbial sidewalk,
Visible and glistening-
organ, bone and marrow
and contained)
is voluted, removed
peels itself back, like foreskin.
Like Now you are vulnerable,
Now you are in the Wave,
there's no cerebralizing your way out of this.
Brace, broadside, go with it,
here comes the Pain you've worked so hard to suppress.
Choking on the salt of your tears,
we all. All return, return to the ocean.
E/motion, sometimes..

These are my entrails, which i regurgitate for you, Life.

So, she's dying. It's a good death, it's a natural death, it's a soft death,
she's 97 for the love of god, she stopped eating a week ago,
she stopped taking any, any liquids three days ago...
she's a tiny leaf on a bough,
it's graceful, she is
letting go.
Her choice.
A Full life.

The last time i saw her, a month ago..
she knew me, she slapped my face when I leant in too close,
she laughed at her sauce, and guile,
and so did i.
You were always my favorite grandchile she said,
whispered, cackled, glee.
The oldest. The first.
But truly, she loved all of us.

And now.
My mother has had to make the decision NOT to have her
put on intravenous on a gurney
in the hallway of the hospital for two days till a room comes up,
instead a peaceful passing.
Her brother, my uncle is furious,
is calling mom heartless all manner of names, guilt,
whathefuck is the matter with him???
My mother is devastated by his anger
and i said, omfg
this is death,
what is wrong with him???

And it made me recall the hard death,
the waytooyoungscreamingbloodytrauma
of momma, momma, momma
moments before.
And how i lived & he did not,
and how.
I am somehow still standing, lived thru that.

And i can't. i just can't.

I just can't. Get behind the fucking complete selfishness of some people.

Today. i hate.
I hate the fucking haters and their me, me, me.

.
.
.
And. i vomit the pain, or rather the pain vomits me.
and i cry or rather am cried till i am numb.

and in the numbness i feel like i don't need anything or anyone.
i am spent.
The violence in me recedes.
Exhaustion.
Peace.
Fuck. You.
Breathe.